the not ordinary dirl

Jul 04

This years troubles

This year has been hard for me, because i have been thinking allot of my father and how much i miss him. It was the biggest fight i had with god and what made me turn from him for a while because i couldn’t understand why he took the one person that i was close to in life from me. I know now that he was teaching me, testing me, and using me in his own way for whatever reason. Still though i questioned all of it because go gave me two deaths within a month when i was in tenth grade just a few years after my dad died, and now there is the fact that my aunt Ethel is dying of cancer and her husband had lung cancer survived and now has kidney of the cancer, i also have another uncle in Oregon with another kind of cancer and is going nuts, To top that all off my aunt’s that live here the one with cancer is in the hospital, and another one is in inter-mountain. What this is all getting at is the fact that the month of august is both the celebratory month of my dads birthday and his death and it has been weighing heavy on my heart and mind this year. I miss my dad more and more with each day and moment, he was my best friend and i always wonder what my life would be like if he were still alive. The point of this blog entry is because i am mostly right now finding myself wondering why does god try my family like this? why is there so much death and hurting for us? yes i know i am strong and obviously can still handle it well, but why is this happening to us? What does god need me for that requires so much and this kind of prep work? Well if any of you can offer any advice to me it would greatly appreciated.

image

May 29
new hair and new glasses :)

new hair and new glasses :)

May 29
May 27
This is my absolute favorite scripture in the bible, this scripture always reminds me in times of doubt in the humanity of people that god know we are not perfect and still accepts and loves us for who and what we are mistakes and all 

This is my absolute favorite scripture in the bible, this scripture always reminds me in times of doubt in the humanity of people that god know we are not perfect and still accepts and loves us for who and what we are mistakes and all 

May 06

quote The word is love.
Love is a very complex thing that most people end up never TRULY knowing or fully experiencing at all. I don’t personally understand love and up until recently I had never experienced it. I don’t know why love makes us act how we act and personally I do not understand it. I found love and like every one said it found me when I wasn’t looking for it or wanting to and also in the most unexpected way and place. One thing I do know for absolute certainty is that love is not easy at all, it has its moments don’t get me wrong but it is certainly not easy, you do things for the one you love that you could have sworn you would never do, or that you would never do for anyone else and it changes you not necessarily in a bad way but it does. The bad thing about love is that a lot of people completely sacrifice their selves to it and let it take them, but just because you that doesn’t mean that you win the other person over, some people that you love will never be yours, they may love you but that doesn’t mean that they are going to date you. There could be many reasons for that to, and while some of those reasons are dumb the main and biggest reason is because people are afraid. You give yourself comptly to love you do everything and anything for the person you love and if it doesn’t work out the pain is very bad it hurts and you have to move on hopefully not if you meet the right person but people are so afraid to that that sometimes they never fully give themselves to it because if they don’t then how can they possibly get hurt? However sometimes they ended getting hurt because they won’t allow themselves to be with the person they love who has already shown that they love them because they are so afraid of losing it and the pain that losing it would cause, they let their fear win. These days I could also understand because so many people cheat and are unfaithful and they don’t tell the truth or tell you/show you who they really are because they are just jerks or are just as afraid as you yourself are. There are so many sweet things that come with being in love but at the same time there are some bad things that come with it because humans are not perfect and we let other things get in the way, for some people they may wonder how they can possibly be expected to promise there selves to one person for the rest of there lives. Like what if someone finds there true love at age twenty and gets married but lives till they are one hundred? In the older generation they are expected to then be married for eighty years to that one person, and what they grow apart then what? What if they change should they stay married or should they take their losses and count their blessings and move on? Some people look at love with the point of view like oh well if it doesn’t work out we will get divorced and I’ll move on to the next one. Other people look at it like this is it once I am married I will not be getting a divorce so I really need to make sure that this is the person I really want to spend the REST of MY life with. Then they worry because again what if they grow apart, or something changes, or god forbid things go wrong then what? Another big struggle people have is the sacrifices you may or may not make for your love. What if you want to go to school but for some reason you need to wait, and work while your husband/wife finishes and then say things don’t work out you are kind of screwed . So how do you decide to take that risk or not? How do you decide what is worth the wait or how to do things so that you both get what you want, even if things don’t work out? Love is not a give, give, give thing although some people treat it like it is, you have to give and take equally what you can and want as well as the things you may not want. It is not easy to make these decisions and a lot of people struggle to even know where to begin. Then there are those people who worry about being judged, when really it’s YOUR life so who cares what anyone else says or thinks because they are not the one’s living in it you are. You shouldn’t have to and you really shouldn’t base you major life decisions on other people’s thoughts and opinions. Then what if you do not like their friends or their family? How do you deal with that because you cannot always avoid their friends and you certainly cannot avoid their family, and you can’t ask them to not quite being friends with who they are friends with. In my opinion which I know this HAS to change once you get married but I really feel like my friends trump whoever I am dating, but that’s dating, once you marry someone that person becomes your family and they have to come first or you won’t be together long. Then because we are imperfect humans there are other things we will have to deal with. We get jealous we get angry we get sad, and depressed, we get reclusive, and we get lazy. How do we deal with these things because everyone is different. Some people don’t like to fight and do not like confrontation and so will try to avoid it at ALL costs so how do you work threw that and deal with that? How would you deal with trying to help your partner threw a rough time if they are being closed off? How do you work through your problems and how do you keep the fire and romance alive? You will live together but life gets busy and your schedules a hundred percent of the time will not be the same. At times you will be burnt out and run down and your husband/wife may seem like a stranger so how do you make sure that it doesn’t happen? Then there is us women. Sometimes we just need to be alone and need our space for whatever reason, and it’s not always a bad thing or for a bad reason that’s just how we are and god knows that we are emotional and our emotions despite vehicles can and does change on a dime. This happens to some girls more then others so how do we communicat it and keeps our husbands sane when we are not? How do we keep ourselves in check and not go crazy and psycho for no reason on the one person who is probably only trying to be there for us? Love is just as complicated as people are. There is a song by rascal flats that’s called “then I did.” In this song there is a verse that goes like this: “you’ve said you have been waiting all your life for a break like this, it’s a chance of a life time you just know it is, you got to go a chase those dreams. That’s the last thing she said and then I did but you were wrong love is what I wanted all along and now you’re gone.” To me this song perfectly imitates the kind of risks we as humans have to face on a daily basis of whether or not to make decisions that are life changing and could possibly make us miss out on our love, or our only chance at love. How do we decide to make such huge decisions? And when we don’t like our partner’s friends or family we have to deal with it and we have to learn to deal with it, we don’t have to like them but we have to get along with then when they are around hanging out, and we can’t start drama with them either. Sometimes for some people they look at love like it is more complicated than being alone and here is why, it is more complicated than being alone. When your alone you do whatever you want whenever you want, but when you are in a relationship or married you know have to consider another person and even the most simple choices and decisions can and often do become complex because now they are not just solely affecting you, but someone as well. The way that us humans make love is complicated is we hurt each other and we break trust to each other, we may love someone more than anything but sometimes we may do something to hurt that person or do something to lose their trust and we have to earn that and there love back, this may even mean that they break up with us and you have to start over like your just friends which trust me is way harder then meeting someone new. Like they say old habits die hard. For some people you do something like let’s say cheat on them and they may give you a second chance, and then there are people like me who you cheat on me we are done for good you had your chance and you will not be getting another one, in fact you would be lucky if I even ever talked to you again. I am this way because I do not care what anyone says there is no excuse for cheating, being drunk or high does not make you Act any differently than you would normally, it only makes your true colors, emotions, and feelings show. I have also seen firsthand through a family member that once a cheater always a cheater is a pretty true and accurate statement. You may not do it again after the fourth or fifth time but if you do it once there is a strong likely hood that you will in fact do it again, And because of my past it is already hard enough for someone to earn and gain my trust, and once you do something like that to get it back why and how they hell would you expect to continue to have that? Why should you even deserve that when you knew you were doing something that would hurt the person you were with, and don’t even think about saying you did not know it would hurt them cause I can’t honestly think of one person who has real human emotions and feelings that would not be hurt by that. This brings me to my next thought what is true love? And how do we know like really know when we have found our “true love?” a lot of people (and I will admit I am guilty of this) fantasize about true love, and how their true love will act or what they will be like. They fantasize about their perfect lives and how they will turn out, but guess what nobody is perfect and even if we are lucky enough to find our true love (or who we think that is) we will still face the imperfection of our humans lives and the mistakes that humans make so how do we decide to take these kinds of risks? What do we decide when the risk is not too big to take? Life in itself is complicated enough without having to add the possible risk of another person, what happens when you combine your lives what dreams do you give up, if you give up any at all. How do you know you’re not making the biggest mistake of your life? Well that’s just it you don’t in life love is the biggest gamble we take. You love the person today but tomorrow that could change for you or them, or they could end up being gay, or falling in love somehow with someone else, or maybe they though they loved you until they met this new person and realized they do love you but not like they love this person and this new person is what true love feels like. Then there are the complications of the person you love you could do anything and everything for that person and they may not even show you the least bit of appreciation or consideration, so then when and how do you decide when enough has been enough and that you need to move on? And when you decide that how do you move on? How does anybody get over being heartbroken, or get over the love they have for one person just because that one person is continuously hurting them? Some people never get over it at all, and those people tend to act out against it by doing things that will “numb” their pain. Like drinking, and drugs and sleeping around with a bunch of people and acting like they don’t have a care in the world, and acting like they feel nothing significant for anybody because they don’t want to get hurt or get hurt again anyway. Love can be the most incredible thing that a person could ever know and at the same time it can be the worst thing to ever happen to someone in their entire lives. I say this because people react differently to it some avoid all together, I can’t say that I would be at all joyful if I fell in love with someone who never wanted to date but just wanted more of a special friendship and never wanted marriage, or worst of all if I fell in love with someone who was already taken or wanted nothing to do with me at all. A lot of people wonder if you love someone and you have the chance to be friends with them or even friends with benefits with them would you? What do you think would be worse being friends with the person you never can have but will always want or not being able to have them in your life at all? I guess it just depends on one side you would have them in your life but you wouldn’t have them in the way you wanted, and you would probably have to silently suffer watching them love and be with someone else, on the other hand you wouldn’t have to suffer watching that but you would have no contact at all and may be left always wondering the “what if’s” and wondering if it would be better or worse. In all honesty I think they are both bitter sweet situations, I mean everyone is different but I deem those two situations equally bad because either way you are still being hurt and cannot have what you wish to have. I suppose having to sit there and watch the love of your life constantly be with another would only bring you more and more pain but you may be given hope by the situation that one day they may love you back. But how would you know for certain? You wouldn’t plain and simple you would not and could not know at all.

— this is a few weeks old and something that is still in the process of being written/finished. I hope you all find something you enjoy from it though or get something out of it :) i know its long but it may just be worth the read 
Oct 13

between a rock and a hard place

i am at conflict because for the most part i am really happy in my relationship and i feel great about it, but lately i have been having those feeling of whether or not i should really be in this relationship or not or if i am really feeling what i think i am or am i just thinking those feelings and there for tricking my heart? This has also made me wonder a lot about whether or not i am just again doing the me thing that i do where i am feeling perfect about my life and the things in them and all that but where i doubt certain aspects of it? am i really happy ? do i really feel this way? what if i am wrong? what if he loses those feelings for me ? i don’t wanna go through a bad heartbreak again. is this why i also try and avoid what i have always wanted? which is to fall in love and find that person i am supposed to be with for the rest of my life. All these things randomly pass through my brain because i am always thinking and wondering about what my future will be like. What doesn’t help these random thoughts is the fact that i currently have a guy friend who likes me a lot and wants to be my boyfriend and even though he knows i am in a relationship now i don’t think he will give up on the hope that something might change and he might have a chance to be with me. Also what didnt help this was the fact that not too long after my new relationship an ex of mine who doesnt even live in this state asked me if i would be in a friends with benifits relationship with him 

ugh well i am off people more insight later  

Sep 04
Sep 04
love it 

love it 

Sep 04
Aug 15

When you have all these art ideas but you can’t draw